Overcoming Relational Attacks

Infusions of Faith

Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave ^[a]you. (Ephesians 4:32, AMP)

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows]. (John 10:10, AMP) 

 

We hesitate to write on this blog topic because it never fails that when we address any topic, we find ourselves wrestling and fighting through something related to the topic. It is not uncommon to find ourselves having to repair, restore, or revive some area of our lives. So, sometimes we cringe in anticipation of the enemy’s attack; because who likes getting hit with a popup argument or disparaging comment that upends our relational perspective as we know it?

However, we also understand that before the devil can get to us, he must go through Christ. And Christ will never allow anything to enter our lives that he has not first approved, nor equipped us to address and overcome through the Holy Spirit. No, this struggle will not be the end of us. [”Nay in all these things (yes, the painful, messy middle of a thing) we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any creature, shall be able to separate us (nor end us) from the love of God, in Christ Jesus our Lord.”] (Rom. 8:37-39)

REAL TALK…The last few weeks have given us plenty of material to work with: we’ve had intense fellowship about our level of commitment to each other, our work schedules and priorities, the time given to care for and affirm each other and our individual weaknesses, faults and sins. It has been challenging! We often missed the mark and failed at loving each other well. We have hurt each other, pushed each other’s buttons, and at times have been immature in our responses.

Relationships are funny things -- we look to them to provide so much, when God is truly the only all in all. For some, relationships give a place of safety and a source of validation. For others, they are motivators for success and change. Regardless of the type of relationship, the reality of challenges exists in them all. Relational Attacks often show themselves as breakdowns in our relationships: arguments, hurts, wounds and the like are common weapons used to attack the trust and safety of our relationships. Regardless of how the enemy attacks, the common denominator in them is to divide and distract from unity and togetherness. The question becomes, “What can I do to respond appropriately to an attack on my relationship?”

Here are a few thoughts that may be of some assistance:

I.          Focus on growing in faith first, do not focus on each other -- We need a faith that will sustain us through the trials and challenges of relationships. We may need to reassess our view of God, updating our understanding or expectation of Him. We may need to settle the fact that God may not prevent us from going through certain challenges, but He will always go through the challenges with us, growing and equipping us to be more like him. Is that enough for you?

 II.            Develop Emotional Self-Regulation -- The ability to establish and maintain boundaries around acceptable behavior for yourself, and the behavior you accept and engage in with others, is key. Begin to manage your emotions, regulate your thought processes, and become aware of and address core fears that motivate your behavior. Note that fear sometimes expresses itself as anger, but anger is often a secondary emotional response. Ask, “What am I afraid of losing, never having, or is threatening my sense of security?”  If we can begin to process these fears with our heavenly Father in scriptures and in prayer, we can begin to find healthier ways to respond and regulate our behavior in His safe and loving care.

III.           Ask for and Receive the Grace of God -- Just like a child that has experienced trauma, we all need God’s grace to help us make it through difficult times. We must give grace to ourselves and each other while wrestling to update our faith and expectations.

 As we walk through our process of growing as individuals and as a couple, we find it necessary to seek help.  We periodically receive help from Christian counselors and others who can provide a sounding board and lead us to tools that we can use. We recognize that we don’t know everything, but we know we love each other and are committed to the covenant of marriage. We commit again to the boundaries we’ve set; divorce is not an option, and we refuse to torture each other by being people we ourselves don’t like. These guardrails force us to be honest, humble, prayerful, and to reach out for help when we are stumped on what to do.  

As you seek to overcome the relational attacks you’re experiencing -- whether in marriage, family or another relationship -- we encourage you to stop the cycle of fear, anger and pain. Learn to manage your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Get help when needed and commit to growing and facing your own issues. Provide grace to yourself and others as you are going through the process of growth and change. Most importantly, believe that God is really for you and that He will provide wisdom and support as you seek Him.

 

Key Themes

--Relationships are the cornerstone of every family and the primary target of the enemy – he hates unity.

--Christ came to give us life and joy, even in relational trials. As we make the choice to grow and give grace to others, we can fully walk in the joy He brings, despite tumultuous feelings.

--Anger is a secondary emotion, often caused by fear. Fear can be overcome but we must choose to work on learning new responses to old triggers.  Here are few thoughts on how to overcome old triggers.

a.    Determining if what you’re feeling is real danger or perceived fear. Although your body may respond similarly with both, becoming aware of the type of fear may help you calm yourself or manage your behavior during times of strong emotion. Ask yourself, “What type of threat is this?” (If you experience PTSD, utilize the skills you’ve learned to develop safety, recognizing God is holding you in His hands.)

b.    Gain an awareness of yourself and of others. Begin to control your tongue and/or behaviors and be careful to not intentional damage others. At least have a thought about the behaviors you want to exhibit and begin moving in that direction. Also put boundaries around what you allow others to do. Establish new ways to address when boundaries are crossed by others. Seek help to aid you in your process.

c.     Determine your response. Do you need to remove yourself from the situation? Do you need to have a conversation?  Is this relationship bringing glory to God? Pray and listen to the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

 

Resources

--How to heal hurting relationships by Shana Schutte 

--How to restore a wounded relationship by  Adam Wittenberg  

--Driving Fear out of your relationship: Charisma Magazine